I'VE JUST been sent the names of 12 influential and dynamic individuals chosen by culture secretary Tessa Jowell to oversee the 'delivery' of London's 2012 Olympic Games.
Their first task is to locate the correct address to which the Games should be delivered ? East London, it appears, isn't specific enough. Quite obviously a new building is needed and its address must be registered so that 'UK Construction Plc' knows where to send the goods.
The second task is to decide who should sign for the Games on delivery. They'll need someone who is conscientious enough to check the goods over thoroughly to ensure nothing's been damaged in transit.
Once you've put your signature on that delivery note, that's it.
If you've signed for the Games but then unpack, say, the men's 1,500 m relay only to find that either there's a team missing or the race itself is faulty, you won't have a leg to stand on and you won't get your money back. I made exactly the same mistake myself the other week and now I'm lumbered with a rowing machine with no oars.
So who are the movers, shakers and other fidget-arses co-opted onto this Olympic Delivery Authority board?
Well, I've never heard of most of them but what's this? 'David Taylor'? Well, thanks for telling me! Lucky for all concerned that I'm already so up-tospeed on the task ahead.
AFTER a shock like that, you know what I need? A good, hot, cup of tea. And who in the construction industry doesn't like a nice strong brew? I'm talking real tea not those fancy infusions and tisanes. I mean good downto-earth Indian blends ? what, in other words, we might call 'builder's' tea.
This is what one supplier, Elmwood Ventures has latched firmly onto. In association with the Federation of Master Builders, Elmwood is launching its own blend, called 'Make Mine A Builder's'.
No, you're right. , it's not a very snappy name. In fact, I think it could backfire. I asked my wife to complete the phrase 'Make mine a builder's?' She said 'bum'.
Anyway, for those looking for the perfect industry biscuit to complement the new brew, here's my top 10:
Gaffa cakes Hod Knobs Rich T5s Chocolate Chippies Jammy Bodgers Wafer-thin Margins Toolkit Kat Flapjackers Dig Rolls Ginger Nuts and Bolts
GETTING back to the 'faulty goods' question, anybody who's ever bought a flat-pack wardrobe from that Scandinavian outf it will not need to be told how important it is to check every component as soon as you've unpacked it.
But you won't ever do it, will you?
We all just tip it out on the floor and start following the instructions. Well, I say 'instructions' ? they're never in writing, they're always pictorial. I usually get as far as the picture of the man standing under a big question mark, hand on hip, scratching his head, and then I have to give up.
According to a study by the Caledonian University of Scotland, scaffolders have exactly the same problem with system scaffolding.
It's supposed to fit together quickly and easily with ingeniously designed connectors but Sod's Law says you always install something upside down.
Inevitably you end up losing your temper and taking a hammer to it.
That's when the trouble really starts.
For some reason it never happens with tube-and-fitting scaffolds. Ah, but there's a skill to that, isn't there?